It has been a rough season of life for me in many ways. I must admit that I find it incredibly frustrating to lose six months on a project that I was very invested in. I think it’s also worth noting, however, that my ability to return to it is an indication of much personal growth.
The thing is: I needed time. I won’t call what I am slowly breaking clear of ‘burn out.’ Burn out is very real, and I’m sure I’ve experienced in on multiple occasions, but this was different. I was exhausted, yes, and chronically overstimulated, sure. In those respects my recent experience has looked a great deal like the overextended state we refer to as burn out. However, in this particular instance, there is much more at play.
Since I had my last child, my health has been even more of a challenge than previously. Underlying conditions that seemed content to progress at a mostly ignorable rate took off like the Indy 500. I actually managed to drag myself to the gym on a regular basis to prove what everyone really knows if they’re willing to admit it, that exercise really does help most physical complaints even if it can’t fix them. It worked. For a full year I improved. I was in the best condition I’d been in for a very long time. It was wonderful. But then it fell apart. New symptoms started getting in the way. Fatigue got worse.
On top of all of that, there were significant personal/psychological developments I had to deal with and process.
So, for the past six months or so I have been, quite unwillingly, in a season of rest and healing. I was completely knocked down and had nothing left to give, and yet life continued anyway. Responsibilities continued anyway. My children still had to attend school and wanted things like meals and clean clothes, not to mention affection and attention. Attempting to maintain the bare minimum requirements of our lives while in a state of exhaustion results in a state of chronic overstimulation.
How do I call this a season of healing? Well, sometimes healing isn’t about recovering the previous state of being. Sometimes healing is about finding peace and stability within the new state. Learning to operate within the newly imposed limits. Learning to manage in new ways.
I am still hopeful of at least a degree of physical healing. I am in the middle of pursuing medical diagnosis for half of my symptoms and building treatment plans for the other half. Whatever the results may be, however, I have learned a great deal over the past six months, over the past year. I have a lot left to learn, but I am still healing, still growing.
And now, with a bit of grace, I believe I am ready to continue this journey I began two years ago.