Well, this is my life. I haven’t posted in two weeks. I promised to look into prescheduled posts, and I never did, and then I hit a week of exhaustion followed by a week of severe migraines, and I didn’t post for two weeks. But that’s my life. That’s my health.
This is probably the most important thing in my life excepting my family at the moment, and I just dropped it for two weeks. First because of my mental health, and then because of my physical health. Two obstacles I have been wrangling for more than twenty years now.
Health challenges everything. Their combination results in a house that is constantly overwhelmingly behind. I have a system, and hierarchy, which I climb as energy permits. Somedays, none of it gets done. Somedays, usually weekends, I manage to get most of the house actually tidy. In a good week, I’ll get it all tidy and even manage to clean something. But it’s always a game of how far can I get before I start sliding backwards again, and how far backward will I slide before I can start moving forward again?
Health makes me anxious about applying for a job. I managed a solid part time teaching job for more than year while managing the house at comparable levels and getting my son through his second year (which involved significant sleep deprivation for me, by the way). Still, even knowing I’ve actually done it before does very little to build my confidence that I can do it again. Why is that? Oh yeah, mental health is one of the challenges and anxiety is a big part of that.
My point is: I have my doubts. I have my doubts about my purpose, my health, my ability. I have my failures. But I’m still here. I’m not going to let this unplanned hiatus result in my giving up.
I’m going to pick up my Bible. I’m going to open my computer. I’m going to keep going. Life isn’t perfect. Life is messy. Life is hard. As long as the number of steps I take forward ultimately outnumber the steps I slide back, than gains will be made whether in my preferred time-frame or not.
Will I be a comfort for someone else struggling with similar challenges? Will I help someone else learn patience and empathy? Or will I just learn to better manage my affairs, navigate my health issues, and extend myself more grace? Maybe I’ll be able to do all three. Maybe I’ll never know for sure.
Does that mean I believe there’s a purpose for my health issues? No. Absolutely not. I simply believe they can be put to use. I believe they can be pieces in my mosaic.